Young Writers Society

Rawr. Dang I wish yhou were in my poetry class...So nice...The mistakes I caught were already posted by the others so I won't bother...But Pm me some time...I thnk we'd be good friends...



Death

I really love how you put some of these words together! I can't say I understand the hidden meaning, but it was fun to read. Anything I found has already been said, so I won't say anything else except "Good Job!"

Inkling; just a quick reminder, try not to double post, that’s what the “edit” function is for.

Hullo Matt. ^^

Okay. I could make a tentative guess at the hidden meaning, but I do hate making a fool of myself about such things, so I shall content myself with knowing that this is gorgeously deep.

“cotton-ball floor” has a delicately rich feeling to it, the sound is magnificent to say, a true delight to say. I enjoy the rhyme with “Hard to ignore” they’re the two lines in this stanza that have the most flow. I’m not in love with

“blood-stained snow
Liquid on fur-like”

It’s a little difficult to say. The image is fantastic, and I appreciate your imagery quite a bit. The problem is in saying of the lines, where “snow” and “liquid” don’t seem to gel quite as well as they could. I think you could do without “liquid” perhaps “dripped” ... I’m not sure. But I think you should look into it.

I feel as though “waiting for heat” doesn’t slide into “to crack, to spill” as well as it should. Would you consider mucking a bit with the structure? I like all the lines (“frozen like tear-spears” is lovely) so I’d like to see you keep them. If you cut the stanza at “heat” and gave “to crack” a new stanza, it may work. It does compromise your structure though. Which is sad, because I do love your stanzas as they are. Perhaps there is another, better, way to do it?

I would have liked to see you have the rhyme in the last stanza, you’ve rhymed once in each stanza, and I like that effect, perhaps find a way to keep a rhyme in this stanza too? I don’t know how I feel about “so distinct” here. It doesn’t seem to connect so well. I like it, but I don’t. I think the more I read it the more I feel for the line itself, which is really good. Don’t change it unless you see a better alternative.

“I can’t leave.” – a good last line. Nice and simple and clear with meaning.

All in all, Matt, I like this and think you’ve done a good job. Your description is great, and I love the structure. You have fairly good flow and the voice is quite well done. Nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Awesome Matt!

I really liked this!

Grr...I can't find out the meaning with my stupid twelve year old brain!

Anyway, great job Matt!

~Lulu

I really liked it!!

And it's great that there's the "tear" dilemma that oneeyedunicornhunter tried to solve. It gives us something to think about. I liked the first and second stanza most. They have beautiful metaphors.

Although I'm pretty good at analyzing everything (if I can say it so myself!), I haven't yet discovered the meaning of this poem. But someday, I will. You're just so mysterious that it's hard. But I can do it, I can do it, I will do it.

Okay, enough of this nonsense, I'll just leave now.

This is a really interesting poem! Well done. I haven't discovered the 'hidden' meaning yet but I will re-read it later. I'd be happy to discuss your authorial intentions some other time!

As previous readers have commented, the ending is abrupt and unexpected which makes the poem even more powerful. Your choice of words is exquisite and shows the reader how lost and lonely the speaker feels.

There could be more punctuation in the first stanza to break it up a bit more and make it easier to read. Good work otherwise. 8/10

Gahks

Short, sweet, full of emotion--I liked it! I'm trying to discover the hiding meaning, but all I can think about is one time in my writing when my character slits his wrists in the snow...but I doubt that has anything to do with poem...or does it? It's already been brought up, but I didn't understand the...

Liquid on fur-like
Cotton-ball floor

oops. Nevermind that comment about the snow title..... I reread and got it..
*slaps head in fustration*

~inkling

try as hard as I could, I could not find the hidden meaning..... But im absolutly DIEING!!!!! To know what this means. I think you have real talent to put hidden meanings in so skillfuly. I agree with all of the above ^^)
one more thing.. Why is it called 'snow' ?

~inkling

It sounds like you might have gotten your heart broken and your waiting for another special person to come along.

I doubt I'm right.*

really cool poem. didn't really understand the second part: "Crimson ice
Frozen like tear-spears (is this 'tear' as in 'rip' or 'tear' as in " :'( "?)
Waiting for heat
To crack, to spill.
One day, we will. (ummm...confusing?)"

even so, i'll take a wild guess at what this poem is about: racism. the emphasis on 'perfect whiteness' while contradicting it... 'spotted'...all i could think was racism.

hope i'm not completely off-base on this!

I don't need to understand your poetyr.
I HATE trying to decipher what someone else meant.
I am far more content not giving my opinions on that if you don't mind

I feel everything is strong here for me EXCEPT for your first stanza.

It needs to create bigger, more complex, not already been done imagines inside of my head.


It didn't do it for me.

Thus; I was bored withthe rest of the poem.

I also felt it too short to give me any idea of what's going on. You must expand some more.


However; everytthing else was great!

Props on this:

To crack, to spill.
One day, we will.


Also, I really adored the way you ending.

It finally gave me a sense of finally what this poem is about..



Good job.

Keppt writing and editing!


7.5/10

I agree with yoha_ahoy. The second stanza is my favorite too!

Poignant, and rich.

Ooooh. Wow. This is intense and unique. The imagery of this is so awesome and creepy.

Blood-stained snow, crimson ice - great.

I don't understand the, "Liquid on fur-like/Cotton-ball floor" part, but you said it had a hidden meaning so I guess I missed it.

The second stanza is my favorite.

I love this whole thing though. It is so short and simple, yet very powerful. I may not understand what this is about, but I feel like there's some very strong feeling behind this poem. You conveyed it very well, though it's meaning may be hidden to me. Great piece Matt! Keep writing!

~Yoyo